When I was hearing Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band in
high school, particularly the song, “When I’m 64,” I didn’t think about myself
ever reaching the age of 64. It seemed so far away, and I never fantasized
about the kind of life I might have at that age. My wife reminded me of that song by singing
it to me when I turned 64 this year.
I now feel as if I inhabit an altered version of Millais’
Autumn Leaves, one in which people my age are standing next to a pile of fallen
leaves. That presence of death informs every day. I often think about the people I have known
whose lives were cut short. I think about those family members who are no
longer a part of my life.
In many ways I feel lucky to have lived as long as I have. I
wonder, too, how I have managed to live so long without significant health
concerns. My mother lived until her 80’s, despite her having had breast cancer
in her 30’s. My father lived until his 80’s as well. I apparently can expect a
certain amount of longevity because of the genes I inherited from my parents.
I would have quit smoking much sooner if I had thought more
seriously about myself getting older. My lungs are scared from having smoked
cigarettes for twenty-four years. It has been twenty-one years since I quit
smoking. I now inhale a corticosteroid twice a day to control my asthma and
sometimes find it difficult to catch my breath when climbing stairs or when the
humidity is particularly high. The air conditioner, I have discovered, is much
better at filtering the air than the heater. It is easier to breathe during
those times of year when the air conditioner runs, probably because the air is
cleansed of cat dander.
Because of that uncertainty of how much time remains in my
life, what I try to do is make each day enjoyable in some way—by listening to
music, taking pictures, walking in nature, and spending time with my wife. Having given up as many processed foods as
possible, I like waking up to a breakfast of fresh fruit, carrots, and toast with
peanut butter. I think of it as the best meal of the day.
There are places that I would like to see, but I am not much
of a traveler anymore and find it incredibly difficult to sleep in hotels. There
are things I still want to achieve, such as writing essays and writing
more poems, and I hope to have the time to do so.
Having reached the age of 64 for four months now, I am
reminded of those friends and family that I have lost and try to do what I can,
in terms of exercising and eating very little processed food, to live as well as possible for that
uncertain amount of time that remains.
